in case you're wondering why

there's something wrong

about me not using any commas or fullstops
completely aware that this willl not be a pretty post
but keep on going

about me avoiding all the mirrors
because they remind me of how unpretty i am

about me refusing to keep in touch with my outer world

about me holding this filthy grudge while still having forgive-forget-without-regret rule of life

about me who stare
and stare
and stare
on blank white screen in blogspot
have no idea of what to write
but knowing for sure what i want to write is not what i should write

and about me who glances jealously
on katie sokoler page where she can just put things that make her happy
with stunning pictures that she took
when it doesnt have anything to do with hipster fashion and music or how you think tumblr-ish photos are overrated and people who use instagram thinking they are professional photographers are lunatic

she does what she loves, ignores the hate and she's good to go

and also about me who does not even put any link to make it easier for my readers to open it
or maybe i'm just lazy to share? or maybe i just think my readers will be curious enough to google it
wait do i just call them my readers?
geez venus, who on earth you think you are?
there's something slightly wrong

about me get irritated by you
telling me how tired you are seeing me like this
i asked, what this
do i change or i just simply stop behaving like i should and be honest on what i feel
do you love me or do you love who you want me to be

or you
that our relationship seems helpless because of its on-off frequency
that we only goes from on goodnight to another goodnight
with no conversation over the noon
yet we keep doing it

or you
the one i will always check up to
because whatever's done between us wasn't done
and everyone knows no one get me like you do and no one gets you like i do
even now, when it is a complete free-love business

or you
or you
or you

or me,
who's single
realizing how many unoffical, or ambiguous, misunderstood, plain friendship i have
wondering why so few people gets the way i think
why people rush things
why people rush feelings
why people are so into clarity, when obscurity is far more interesting
why people demand my explanation of future instead of enjoying what they have and what they are doing in the present
then wondering why do i demand people to get the way i think

there's something different
about me having these crappy insecurities yet cursing myself to be oh-so-ungrateful
especially this is, for god's sake, ramadhan

about me who dont even bother to look up and read it over to make sure there isnt any bad grammar
about me who sit here with a black and white maxi dress and cardigan that i never wear before for over three years
about me being (feeling) so young and damaged
and healed

or mom's eyes
when i told her this is the way i live my life
and when she said
why do you hurt people and why do you hurt yourself

no she didnt ask, she said
like telling me, carefully
and waking me up
and waking her up
that she doesnt realize who is her daughter anymore
and she should not let that happen
no, she could not let that happen
to both of us

but there's something right
about me who is relieved
after writing it all down with such brutal honesty i never had before
and even better, tell the world

politely ask them to accept me in my worst
just like when they happily accept me when i'm doing my best

don't lift me up, i'm not drowning
i'm just swimming a little deeper, for a little while
because only when you lost you can find yourself

and i've found what i was looking for
also with some additional treasures
beautiful truths
painful truths
simple things
and more simple things

because it's us who make it complicated.*



*and when i put a full stop it means i've come into a conclusion, i hope you have good time reading this. as good as i feel when i finish writing them
**i still have no guts to click the publish button
***i'm ready.