Tuesday 21 June 2011

hahaha

they say..

"Hatimu butuh istirahat, Ven.."

"Yaampun ini puncaknya ya?"

"Ven, you've been too amazing. Dont let anybody hurts you just because they know you're strong."

"Aku speechless. UDAHLAH VEN! AKU NGGAK SUKA LIAT KAMU KAYAK GINI!"

"He's not that worth it."

"IT WAS FOUR FUCKIN YEARS, you STUPID!!"

"Arent you tired already?"

"Ya udahlah, yang dulu ya dulu. Walaupun sekarang masih agak sakit hehe. Yang penting kamu jangan ngulangin kesalahan yang sama. Kamu harus memilih. Kamu berhak bahagia. Udah itu aja :)"

why?

'cause at the very beginning, 

"Hahaha aku nggakpapa kok. Tenang aja."

"Hehe, biasalah.."

"Nyantai dong, begini doang ini."

"Iya, nggakpapa.. udah gih, sana aja."

"Oh gitu? Yaudah nggakpapa lagii."

"Hahaha, biasa aja kok. Lagi menggalau dikit."

"Oke :)"

"Iyaaaa, cepet sembuh ya bm nyaa.."

"Tenaaaang aku ngerti kok hahaha."

...

and days go on,

weeks,

months,

does it stay still?

...

"Hmm, iya deh."

"Emang kenapa? Nggakpapa lagi udah biasa hehe."

"Oh."

"Yaudah sana."

"Beda? Haha apanya yang beda?"

"He eh."

"Oke, daah."

...

I just need to be ensured that i'm wanted back. I always try to change those girls minds who think their boyfriend dont make any effort for them, but silently, i'm asking myself.. and never got the answer. simply because i'm afraid answering that.
One night, and yes, that one night was last night, somebody finally asked me that question..

"How it feels, Ven? Being with someone who doesn't wanna fight for you?"
"Actually at first I was happy.. Happy that I can love somebody that true, that pure, without asking for replies. Happy that I can be someone who takes care of him, try to make his bad days to better days. You know I was like.. His Heroine. And I'm proud of that. But you know what?"
"What?"
"Sometimes I need a hero too.."

for a moment silent wash over me and that girl, my best listener ever.
before that sentence comes out from her mouth..
"I wonder what's on his mind when he heard your name.."
dan dengan pertanyaan lalu itulah pertahananku jebol.

those negative thoughts come over and it was like never gonna stop.
i'm the one who'll always be there, the one he can just simply call and i'll come, the one that still standing with smile even when everybody left, the one that..
oh my God i'm actually saying this..
a second, or third, or forth choice.
a back up plan.
simply an option.

so back to that question,
i was crying even harder,
because i simply have no idea except one..
he wont be smiling,
or even touched.
he'll feel nothing, just like other girls names.
no heartbeat. no happy thought. even maybe, not any memories crossed in.

and yes,
it fuckin hurts.

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