Thursday, 10 March 2011

no offense, girl. but this is for you.

sudah berhari hari saya galau.
nggak ini beneran bukan ikut tren anak-anak yang bbmnya belom dibales limabelas menit doang udah galau, yang cuma lagi pengen fro-yo doang udah galau, yang besoknya uts dan bingung bahannya banyak banget tapi malah sibuk bergalau-galau ria di twitter.
ini bukan galau tren. beneran.
pikiran ke hal itu doang, ga fokus, my mind's just..
tumultuous. full of tumultuousness.
what the hell, padahal udah niat daritadi mau pake bahasa indo aja ternyata ga kesampean juga --" habis vocab indo gitu amat sih.


anyway,
yang bikin aku jadi aneh engga jelas dan bolak-balik ditanya Shereen 'are you okay?' sampe bosen sendiri. Itu karena satu hal 'itu'.
(but I like her anyway, she's gorgeous and caring :9)
well Sheer, well everyone,
I'm not really fine.


err,
the point is,
hal 'itu' bener-bener bikin aku kacau nggak jelas, bersalah campur bingung campur rada jengkel dan yang paling engga enak adalah,
it ruins my happiness.
everytime I feel happy of something, or someone,
everytime I smiled 'cause I read something delighting, yeah some sweet things
everytime I wanna wrote some stuffs about my feeling,
I just suddenly remember 'that' thing.
It haunted me, like it's not right if I feel happy, I don't deserve it
..It makes me feel that she deserves it more.


hm sebenernya aku agak ragu mau post ini atau enggak tapi ah udahlah, no matter if he read this, no matter if she read this, I'll just keep going.


::::::: "in 10 years you'll regret what you haven't done way more than what you've done." - Mark Twain :::::::


itu berawalnya dari waktu dia cerita tentang cewek itu, sambil lalu sih, but I feel something.
I feel like I wanna know that girl, not stalking, just knowing.
the name, at least.


dan dimulailah perjalanan basa-basi, nanya si itu nanya si ini, sampe dua jam kemudian ada yang ngasi tau dan aku search.
sederhana aja sih, "oh itu namanya. itu orangnya. cantik."
udah.
tapi engga tau kenapa pas aku kembali sama secondhand serenade playlistku, kayak ada sesuatu yang bikin nggak tenang.
dan aku baru tau apa itu.


deja vu.


aku yakin seyakin-yakinnya kalo aku pernah baca tuh nama, lebih dari sekali.
wth, waktu aku mutusin buat ngeadd dia di bbm, she's already exist. dan waktu aku ngefollow twitternya ternyata dia udah follow aku. seketika aku membeku #sorilebay


she's already there.


she reads ALL my status message and tweets.


she dislikes me. I know. I just know.


terus pelan-pelan aku telusurin twitternya, walaupun aku tau bakal nemuin hal-hal yang mungkin nyesekin atau gimana, tetep aja rasanya deg banget waktu baca.


bukan sakit, tapi kena banget. dan itu bukan sense yang menyenangkan, fyi.


aku inget tiga temenku pernah cerita kehidupan di secondary school mereka. yeah, mereka cantik, fashionable, populer, lumayan sering ganti-ganti cowok, kaya, dan.. dibenci.
mereka bilang, "justru harusnya bangga lah kalo ada yang benci kamu walaupun kamu nggak salah. artinya dia jealous sama kamu, bahkan, mungkin pengen ada di posisimu."
(err bahasa indonesianya begitulah, bahasa inggrisnya agak terlalu rude)


tapi aku nggakbisa. she seems nice, friendly, and most of all not bitchy. --though some of her words are a lil bit hurtful. I can't stand if there's somebody like her hates --well, dislikes-- me.


(maaf kalo kesannya ini ditujukan buat satu orang spesifik, tapi memang iya, ini buat kamu, khusus banget buat kamu)


sori kalo kamu ngerasa kata-kataku lebay, sok romantis, bikin jijik, sok sweet, show off, bikin panas, dll
mungkin memang beberapa dari mereka iya, I admit it anyway, some of them are really corny, lame.
but, it's the feeling. that feeling. what if you were me? what if you've loved him for the start, have been through so many frustating difficult things, and at the moment you wanna give up. at the very moment you wanna go away, forget shlotty slappy stuffs and start a new life, he said the word.
and mean it.
what will you do? what are you gonna tell your bestfriends? what are you about to say when you face soc-net and ready to tell people what's on your mind?


okay, slow down. I was a bit pissed off honestly, but then I realized.
I've ever been your position.
It's true that you say I'm just like you.
I've ever saw he shows his love and affection to other girl, he even told me all about that and I gave him advices. Almost all the time. I try to be on your position and I know what I've done really annoyed you, I'm sorry I didn't realize it at that time.


but now, do you know what I feel? do you know how I feel? do you know since when? do you can imagine what exactly happened in those years after all my blahblahblahs?


do you?


I said, love is doomed to ever-changing. It comes and gone without any words, even without any signs. Forever love doesn't exist, it's just falling in love many times always with the same person.
and I mean it. It's true. It did change, a lot.


every single sentence I said, I mean it.

and now I say.
if you still like him, whatever --love maybe? go ahead, it's your right anyway.
if you still like post your tweet about your feeling, go ahead. everybody deserve to say what they feel in twitter. I'll start to try to reduce my shlotty tweets and not online very often so I'm not stalking you. do what you want.
if one day his feeling changes, or mine, and you still have that hope.
or if there's somehow you feel that you love him more than I do, and you wanna fight for it,
or if one day he found that you're better than me in any way..
get him.
anything best for him.






and you know what? i mean it.

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